You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
