So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
