Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
