I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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