Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
