shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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