2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
