i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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