i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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