If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
