Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
