You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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