I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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