david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
