She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
