when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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