why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
