Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
