note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
