i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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