remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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