I will die if light touches me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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