If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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