yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Welp...herpes.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
