I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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