I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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