We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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