im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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