She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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