I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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