I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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