idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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