Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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