Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
