Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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