i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
