apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
