Just mADE A PArabola og urine
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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