The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize