so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
