I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
