No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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