He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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