Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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