someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
