No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
