When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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