goodnight i made you a song goodbye
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
