last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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