You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
