just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
