making cat noises will not fix the situation.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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