the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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