Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
