Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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