If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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