She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
