I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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