You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
