Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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