just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
