FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
